Well, folks, it seems even Elon Musk’s favorite cryptocurrency, Dogecoin, has better vision than the Vancouver Canucks’ front office. If DOGE could sniff out a bad investment, it’d be barking mad over the $11.6 million tied up in Elias Pettersson this season—a center who’s fallen off harder than a Tesla stock dip after a cryptic tweet. Once a shining star in Vancouver’s lineup, Pettersson’s 2024-25 campaign has been a comedy of errors, and with J.T. Miller recently shipped off to the New York Rangers, the Canucks are left wondering if their Swedish sensation forgot how to skate, shoot, or score.
Let’s rewind to the glory days—2022-23, when Pettersson was a point-per-game machine, racking up 102 points (39 goals, 63 assists) in 80 games. The guy was a human highlight reel, slicing through defenses like a hot knife through butter. Fast forward to last season: 89 points (34 goals, 55 assists) in 82 games—still elite, though the shine was fading. Then came the eight-year, $92.8 million contract extension signed in March 2024, locking him in at $11.6 million AAV through 2031-32. Canucks fans cheered; management smirked, thinking they’d secured their franchise cornerstone. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This season? Woof. As of early March 2025, Pettersson’s got 34 points (11 goals, 23 assists) in 49 games—a pace that’d land him around 57 points over a full 82-game slate. That’s a far cry from the 100-point stratosphere he once orbited. His shooting percentage sits at a measly 8.7%, down from 15.6% two years ago, and he’s been held pointless in more games than a broken pencil. Posts on X have fans screaming: “0 goals, 0 assists, 0 shots against the worst team in the league!” and “Worst season relative to salary in Canucks history!” Harsh? Maybe. True? The numbers don’t lie.
Then there’s the J.T. Miller saga. Miller, the fiery forward who notched 103 points in 2023-24, was traded to the Rangers on January 31, 2025, for Filip Chytil, Victor Mancini, and a first-round pick. Why? A well-documented rift with Pettersson turned Vancouver’s locker room into a soap opera. Management chose Pettersson as their guy, betting his youth (26) and upside would outshine Miller’s 32-year-old grit. Miller’s exit was supposed to free Pettersson to “breathe,” as he put it post-trade, and rediscover his mojo. Spoiler: it didn’t. In the five games since, he’s managed just two assists, including a pretty setup against Toronto, but otherwise looks like he’s auditioning for a ghost role in a hockey horror flick.
Theories abound. Was Miller’s commanding presence the spark Pettersson needed? When Miller took a 10-game personal leave in November, Pettersson racked up nearly half his season points (15 of 34). Miller returned, the rift festered, and Pettersson’s production tanked again. Now, with Miller gone, the excuse cupboard’s bare. Coach Rick Tocchet’s been blunt: “We need him to come up with big moments. He’s gotta get going.” Pettersson’s response? “I want that pressure.” Bold words for a guy who’s been quieter on the ice than a library during a power outage.
So here we are, Canucks fans. Elon’s DOGE could’ve mined $11.6 million in meme-coin madness faster than Pettersson’s found the back of the net. The team’s 23-19-7 record keeps them in the playoff hunt, but without a top center firing, it’s like trying to win a Cup with a Zamboni stuck in neutral. Quinn Hughes is still a Norris-caliber stud (48 points in 49 games), and Thatcher Demko’s backstopping heroics (2.61 GAA) give hope. But Pettersson? He’s the $11.6 million question mark—proof even the best-laid plans can crash harder than a SpaceX prototype. Time to wake up, Elias, or Vancouver might just trade you for a Dogecoin wallet and call it a day.
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